Love, like death, changes anything
by IrisDeBlanche
Summary: Caroline is human. She's got cancer. Klaus is a vampire but she doesn't know. Will he be able to sooth her sufferings? AU
1. Pilot

**Pilot**

I'm dying. Or, at least, that's what the clinical report says. However, I mean, it's not unusual, for doctors to be wrong, isn't it? It happens that results are misjudged or changed with others. Who knows, maybe, while I'm here paralyzed for my not-going-to-be future, another woman in the other part of Mystic Falls is reading the news of a new pregnancy or of an ulcer or God-knows-what when actually she's got a brain cancer. But she doesn't know 'cause our results have been changed.

'Cause, let's face the reality, the cancer is hers, not mine.

I'm just nineteen. I'm not supposed to have cancer. In a few months I should graduate, celebrate with my boyfriend and friends, get drunk in New York and then come back and choose my courses at university... I can't be dying. I'm nineteen, I'm Miss Mystic Falls, I'm chief in charge for parties in my high school. I'm not supposed to be dying... It had to be just a common check. It had to be some sort of stress disease or one of those billions freaking disorders associated with adolescence.

I can't die. I won't die.

So, it's with this resolution and the clinical report in my hands that, when Dr Fell comes back in the studio, I ask:

- I'm sorry, Dr Fell, but I think there must have been a mistake. You see, these results can't be mine. I don't smoke,I've always had a healthy and fabulous life style... well, maybe I could have drunk a beer once or twice, and maybe recently I shouldn't have dined so many times at the Mystic Grill, but I'm a cheerleader and, truth be told, my legs haven't seen a gram of fat since the second year of the elementary school. These CAN'T be my results... - I go on, slightly shaking with tears coming up into my eyes..

- Caroline - Meredith Fell interrupts me, trying to calm me down moving her hands up and down my shoulders - I've known you since you were born. Believe me when I say that I am far more surprised and... - she sighs - I neither could accept the results at the beginning, but I've checked them three times... I'm truly sorry.

- Oh my God...- I whisper staring into her eyes with those tears now running through my face - ...I'm dying .

And here it is how I get it. It's not a piece of paper, or a slide or some blood or your body that falls into wrecks that make you realize your conditions; it's when you see that mixture of sadness and pity into someone else's eyes that you know what the reality is.


	2. Chapter 1

After that, my mum has come to the hospital (it seems that I'm unstable and not strong enough to face all this alone) and has been closed - for more than an hour - talking in private with Dr Fell in her studio while I'm here,waiting in the hall, with a nurse who, despite supposing to be baby-sitting me, is actually all Grey's-anatomnly flirting with an apprentice.

I'm reflecting if that is how things will go from now on; if I will need someone to be next to me for every move I'll make. Fuck. In a few months I've hoped to gain my complete independence, to be finally totally free from any trivial small-town-girl convention, to embrace the joy of university with its parties and sororities and new people. Instead it looks like I'll go back to a 5-year-old child state.

Taking advantage of her distraction I make for a snack machine, at least now I have an excuse to drown my sorrow into sweets. However this must not be my lucky day, since that even if it's taken the coins, it looks to be stuck.

- What the hell - I exhale smashing my hands over the glass of the machine to make it work.

- You know love, there are other ways, far less brutal and quieter to adjust it - says someone with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

I turn my head at my left where stands a guy, maybe twenty-three/twenty-four year old from the appearance but with something in his posture that gives him a distinct and respectful air, with dirty blond hair, blue eyes and a smirk on his face that makes me wanna slap him.

- Well, please, light me up with your experience - I invite him.

- Oh, who mentioned anything about showing up my tricks - says he, crossing his arms and leaning to the wall enjoying the scene.

- Then why did you stop? Is mocking me so funny? Don't you have something else to do? - I ask him a bit frustrated keeping on smashing my hands on the glass.

- What can I say? I'm impossibly attracted by damsel in distress - claims the guy, not even hiding the pleasure that the situation is giving him. It has been a long time since that someone had dared to talk to him in that way. "If only she knew who I am" he thinks giving a very interested look to the beautiful girl in front of him. Usually even the ones to whom his name was unknown, and they're not so many, have a sort of instinctual respect and apprehention towards him, nevertheless this young woman has even barely considered his presence. He doesn't know if that fact is more annoying or amusing him.

- I must have missed your shining armour - I reply with a fake smile, trying to be clear about my wish for him to evaporate.

- I didn't say I was a white knight - he sentences even more interested in the feisty girl.

- Believe me, I've noticed - I sigh.

- Well - he does, looking at his watch - I'm sorry to interrupt our lovely conversation but I must go, as you said, I gotta something to do. See you around, love.

And with this sentence and two firm knocks on the machine he leaves.

When I look back at the bottom of the glass, my Oreo are out.

Once that my mum leaves the studio, I come back to my sad and creepy reality of a cancer affected.

- Dr Fell has told me that there are some cures, that you could follow some programmes. Then there are the chemo. She actually gave me the number of this oncologist, Dr Salvatore. He's new in town, he's been here for a year or less but she says that he knows what he does. I'll call him later to have an appointment - she keeps saying while walking back home - Look Caroline, - she suddenly adds, stopping from walking, with a serious but soft voice staring me in the eyes - I know that I haven't been such a good mother but I swear that I'll be next to you in these months, ok? You're not lonely - and as fighting the tears that I've seen coming into her eyes , she looks away checking her watch - Now I should go back work honey. Are you ok? Can you stay alone for a while? - she asks me a bit concerned.

- Sure mum . - I would like to make some irony about how I've actually lived alone since my father left us without her worrying for my meals or checking my homework . But today it's not the case.

- See you tonight - and so, she goes away.

I barely take a step inside that I get a message from Elena "How do you do?".

I exhale,a bit tired and a bit amused by the question. "If only she knew... and here there is my dilemma: tell them or not tell them, that is the question. Of course, they're my friends. I've shared and confided them my most intimate thoughts since I can remember. They even know of when in primary school,Mark Scoffield of the other second class had bullied me after school because of my father. I remember crying for a week. Before I didn't know that what my father was or liked was considered like a sort of guilt by many. How could it be? I mean, yeah, I wasn't happy for him leaving us alone, but I didn't blame that on Steven... My mother never knew the reason I feared going to school for those two weeks. I just told my two friends..." I start thinking, throwing my bag on the bed and switching my computer on. " Ugh, on the other hand I can't but remember the doctor's expression. That sense of commiseration and comprehension as she could understand my feeling, my situation. Would I ever be able to constantly read the seriousness of my disease in other people's eyes, into my friends'eyes?".

When after, I begin reading some of those brochures that Meredith has given to my mother and I glance at the pictures of those patients, I know that I will not be able to endure through all this alone . So I ask Elena and Bonnie out.

- Mmm, you know that to see your future you must read coffee grounds and not the tea ones, do you? - jokes Bonnie, laughing on the fact that I've stared at the bottom of the cup since Matt has served me.

- Sorry, it's that.. ugh, I don't even know how to tell you. I mean, it's not that easy - I start blabbing, not finding the words I need.

- Please, don't tell me we already must begin with the preparations for prom. My lungs haven't recovered yet from the last ball... just the thought of other balloons makes me wanna stake me with a pencil - claims ironically Elena eating a fry and checking her phone, as she has constantly done since we got here.

- No, no, don't worry - I ensure her lightly laughing - and, just for the record, your balloons weren't so inflated so I can't see your complain. By the way, I gather you here today to tell you something... Oh God, I didn't want to sound so grieving and mournful; well, of course I expect you to be sad, very sad for me, but perhaps I should have..

- Care, I reckon that you are wondering off - Bonnie stops me covering my hand with hers.

Squeezing it, I find the courage to say

- I've got a brain cancer and...

- WHAT ! - shout Elena and Bonnie together, visibly shocked - Care, if you're joking ..

- Please, let me finish. I have a brain cancer and, as I have understood, they can't remove it , so I just can follow some therapy to, well... - how can I explain to them the reason of my next months of living hell if neither I can see the use of those useless cures?

- Oh Care... - does Elena, holding my other hand.

- No, please, no. Don't do this, neither of you. Promise me, promise to never treat me like a proximal corpse-to-be or like a little kicked puppy. I'm not looking for pity or compassion. So, now, say something. Let's talk about anything else; make me forget all this crap - I say smiling, wanting just to have a normal girl chat with my friends.

- Well, in this case, we could talk about the fellow with whom Elena is texting since we got here - says Bonnie smirking to her.

- Ah, he's no one this latter answers smiling he's just a guy that I met in the cemetery while I was writing my diary, you know, near my parents' graves.

- Let's say that's a bit awkward - exclaims Bonnie - what was he doing there ?

- He said that he was there to find some peace, to rest his mind. He's got a certain sense of humor.

- Oh, that's a bit creepy - I add - Darling, before to get too much involved you should check if he's not into kinky stuff or either in some sort of sept.. maybe he was looking for a corpse for some Satanic ritual. Please, if that's so, don't you even dare to give mine to him.

- How could we? - intervene Bonn kidding - Of course your corpse will be donate to the Town Council that will expose it in a museum named after you, for "the beauty and the parties given to our society" - then turning to Elena - So, what's his name?

- Damon.

- Since when knocking has become a forgotten costume, Klaus? - asks Dr Salvatore not even raising his head from the clinical report he is analysing.

- You know Stefan, you should find someone a bit more awake as a secretary - states Klaus while wandering through the studio - I don't think she even noticed that I've arrived.

- Then we can talk about why you are here - replies the doctor, selecting another file to check.

- I was really impressed when I found out that you had become a doctor, ripper. Last time I checked you were on the other side, weren't you? - smiles the Original finding a seat on the other part of the desk.

- Again, Klaus, why are you here? - asks now more seriously Stefan, finally looking the other in the eyes.

- How rude, shouldn't you be a bit more friendly with an old pal? Anyway, I've just come to collect some blood bags for Rebekah. She wants to try a new diet. You know, she quite likes this town and she wouldn't arise some suspects with unnecessary deaths. Women. Me, on the other hand...

- It's a quite town, Klaus. Let's not change that.

- Oh, but we all want the same things, ripper. You just must provide me with some blood bags every week. I could compel and steal and hide and so on, but I'm a very busy man, so if we could skip all this unnecessary steps... - and noticing the frown forming between the doctor's eyes, he continues - ... or I could just dry out some of those terminally ill, they would be dead in a while after all - finishes he with a smile which showed his dimples.

- I'll let you know when it's available, until then you won't come here, and don't you dare to touch anyone of my patients.

- Perfect. And don't worry, as long as I have my bags I'll pretend to tame your poor excuse of a threatening; although I wouldn't attempt to do it again if I were you, _I'm_ the one who puts conditions, don't forget it - states Klaus standing up from the chair, ready to leave.

- Then... - but Stefan's words are interrupted by Stacey, the secretary, who, opening the door, introduces his next patient.

When Stefan turns his head to the balcony, the windows are open and Klaus is gone.

- Please, come in - Let's sit gently says Stefan looking to the two women sat in front of his desk.

- You must be Caroline Forbes - keeps saying, turning his head to the young girl. Looking into her eyes, he can see her fear, doubts, hesitations but even something that he can't soon identify if not as a light, yeah... the light of a candle that looks fragile but that, despite everything, bravely fights to keep staying alive.

- I've talked with your mother - informs her now nodding to the Sheriff Forbes - and I've also had a talk with Dr Fell, to be unacknowledged of every aspect of your healthy state. Unfortunately your case is a very sorrowful one, but I'll do everything I can to help and support you. You should come here every 21 days for the chemotherapy and then, at home, every day you must take some pills that I'll prescribe you. Now, if you want to make me some questions

- Well... - Caroline is hesitantly starting before to be interrupted by her mother.

- Will she be able to keep on doing all her daily activities? asks Liz deeply concerned.

- Yeah, sure. Of course, one or two days after the chemo she will probably feel nausea and she'll be a bit of a wreck but she can conduct a normal life. She can do anything she wants as long as she can endure it - answered Dr Salvatore with a comforting smile addressed to Caroline.

- But I wondered... - tries Caroline again, even this time interrupted by the older woman.

- When should she start with the pills ? Before or after the chemo? How many times a day? At the morning or at the evening?

- I'll write down all the information about this aspect in the recipe and, regarding that, I've just noticed that I've run out of sheets. Sorry Sheriff, could you make me a favor and go at the first floor and ask any nurse for any, please? .

As Liz leaves the studio,

- I didn't want to be rude, and I understand that she's a mother and is concerned for you - begins Stefan, standing up from his place and sitting into the chair where the sheriff was before.

- Now, that's just you and me, and I can tell there are some things you wanna ask me. Please, don't be afraid to speak.

- I...I've done some researches and they said that I could lose my hair, is that right? - she asks actually hiding her true interest.

- Well, the chemical industry has greatly improved in the last years, so theoretically with these new medicine you shouldn't lose your hair; on the other hand that's just hypothetical. It's not sure. It depends on how your body will react. By the way, I dont' think that's your real doubt. Although I understand that hair is un undoubtedly important part in the life of an American teenager - he joked. And holding her shoulder he encouraged her - Come on Care, tell me what you really wanna know .

Cause a very long medical experience and all those years spent watching people embrace their fatale destiny, there's always been one question that they've asked:

- How much do I have? - she finally whispers, sniffing to not make those tears spill from her eyes.

- Six, eight months at the longest, I'm sorry - he answers softly. Then, as sensing it is the right thing to do, he stands up carrying her with him into a hug. And with this move, every attempt to stay composed falls and she starts sobbing into his arms, crying hard, as she has never done in her life.

- I'm sorry. You're nineteen, you should be out smiling and laughing and worrying about your dress for the prom or the shoes to pair with it ; and not certainly here, trying to come to pact with your life. I know that telling you "I know how you feel" won't make your day but... - he just makes some space between them, sensing her recollecting herself - I'm here, for everything, even just to stay sit in silence. Consider me not just as your doctor, but even as a friend, ok? . She nods.

And for the first time, Caroline finds in those comforting eyes that the burden which was pressing her chest for a few days has finally gone.

She is dying, and maybe she has just few month, but she would make sure that those months would be the best ones of her life.


	3. Chapter 2

It's just dawn and I'm already up. It's quite funny thinking that when you know your days are numbered, even night hours seems to be so useful and important that it's almost a waste to spend them sleeping.

I get up and go open my window. The weather is a bit overcast, but it can be due to the early time. I inspire some fresh air. Ah, how can it happen that I feel so full of energy now that I'm supposed to be dreadful and weak? How can faith be so absurd and petty? A week ago, by this time, I would have been in my bed, sleeping lazily; and now that I should, I wanna rock the world. How can timing be so unnervingly out of any reasonable logic? Probably, up there, someone, God or some of his "secretaries", is getting bored and so now they're joking with me, expecting to see what my reaction to all this will be. I can just imagine these two old women betting and sneering at my condition while, with a pair of scissors, are cutting someone else's life line . Perhaps that's just the reason they're getting fun. In the end, whatever my decision will be, whatever thing I'll do, however I'll behave, my future is up to them. Probably, when I would have just get accustomed to this situation and I'll be thinking that all this shit has come to make me stronger,to enforce me, to make me a better person... just then, they will cut my line too. Oh my God, what the fuck am I thinking?

And shaking my head for the dumbness of my thoughts I go away from the window. Anyway, as weather's not that bad, and as in a while I'll probably not have any time, or better, possibility to enjoy a healthy run, I decide to go jogging.

I'm running from an hour and, despite being so early, I've already noticed loads of people who are already leaving their houses, who for work, who for a trip, who's having a run like me, who's taking the dog for a walk before starting the day... I've never considered all these people. It's like before I just thought that when I opened my eyes, so it was for everyone. Well, I knew there were other people with other lives. However, I don't even know how to explain this to myself, but it's like before I've never really understood...or felt other existences, that other people could actually be different from me. It's as till now if I've lived my life as it stood for itself ; I was closed in my existence not bothering or considering what was outside or my neighbor's problems, other people's realities.

Like when you go to watch a movie and you reckon that it sucks and then someone says that she or he has loved it and that it's amazing, and you maybe let it be, 'cause you're not interesting in arguing that; but deep, in yourself, even accepting that vision, you don't think that it can be right,'cause that film sucks, full stop.

And now it seems you've finally understood why they thought so... perhaps you still don't like it, but you've got their point.

Who know why all this is coming to my mind. It must be my "new condition" or it could be that I still don't see myself as cancer afflicted. I mean,... I know what I've got but... before, when I thought of cancer, I had in mind bold children with pale faces, and I was sad for them. Now I understand that they were just a figure, a representation of my mind which, even though it was equal to reality, didn't get the true spirit of that. Maybe that even happens with people... we have a vision of someone and, for us, that person is in life like we have designed in our mind, while actually he or she hides other worlds or realities that we could even like if we wouldn't be blurred by our own idea.

And, stopping from running, with sweat pearling my face and regaining breath, with my hands placed over knees, here it comes a realization: what if now _I am_ the bold child with pale face for someone else? Before, for many, I was the blonde brainless cheerleader, and now I'll be the dead-to-be girl.

Tired by all this thinking and running, I sit on a bench.

I don't want that. I don't want to become the next poor victim of cancer, I don't want to be "the one-who's-ill"' character of the main argument of after-meal-chats in family. As I realize that, tears starts running through my face, I'd like to scream, to assert myself, to tell anyone who still I am.

"But not for long..." a voice says in my mind.

And, like that, tears stop falling and desperation stops its flow.

I need to come back home.

XxxxxxxxxxxX

Here I find, waiting for me outside, leaning next to his car, Tyler.

- Hey Care, where have you been? - he greets, kissing me lightly on the lips.

- I went running.

- Since when do you go jogging? - jokes he raising an eyebrow.

- Yesterday I went to bed early, so I've raised up first this morning – I answer, slightly lying and feeling a bit guilty. I know that I should tell him the truth, but all my dears have been so concerned lately that I don't wanna worry them with my stupid thoughts – By the way, why are you here? - I ask, now surprised by his presence.

- Don't tell me you've forgotten the school trip?

- Oh Gosh ! - I exclaim smashing a hand over my forehead – The Art Museum. I'm sorry. I swear I'll be ready in five minutes – I promise rushing to my bedroom.

- Care... - I hear Tyler sighing. We both that neither in an alternative, utopic and unexplored universe I could get ready in five minutes

- Ok, maybe ten.

- Caroline.

- Not more than twenty, promised.

- Remember that the bus leaves at eight thirty. Come on!

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

- ...and that is why Picasso is considered one of the most important painters of 90s – finishes the guide.

Like coming back from another planet, few students clap their hands, more for the fact that she has finishes than as a compensation for her nonexistent ability.

- She's been even more boring than Matt's talks about football – wishpers Bonnie in my ear while clapping her hands, gaining a light giggle from me.

- Now, you've got other two hours to have a look around and grab something to eat – affirms Professor Alaric – Bus will leave at half past four, not even a second after. Do you hear me Mr Lockwood?

- Why do you point me, prof ? - does Tyler while other students start laughing – even Matt was late last time.

- Shut up, dude – says the blonde guy shoving an elbow on the other guy's ribs.

This latter stops him and puts his arm around Matt's neck joking.

- Remember that we're still in the museum – says Elena shaking her head at the boys'scene.

- Yeah, and after Mrs Boredom's lesson, I'm looking forward to escaping from here. What about burger and beer at the pub at the other part of the street? - proposes Tyler recollecting himself smiling.

- Let's go – agrees Bonnie.

- Well, I'd like to take another look around here. I'll reach you in a bit – I say.

Wandering for museums it's not something I usually do and, despite how it was the beginning of this day, at the moment I find myself quite relaxed here, surrounded by all these pictures painted by people who, even being dead by now, still have such an influence on people.

- Okay – says Matt loudly leaving with the other and gaining a few bad sights from other visitors.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Looking around I get several paintings whose permanence in this building is inexplicable. Why should few spots of colors put at random be exposed in a museum? I'm still mentally debating that when I come into a picture that completely leaves me breathless. I've just had a general glare at the painting and already tears come to my eyes (when did I get so weepy? ). I can't understand the reason, but the feeling that this painting has just provoked in me is so thick and hurtful and full that I feel suffocating in a sea of sorrow. Despite the pain the picture's evoking in me, I can't but keep looking at it.

- Do you like it, love ? - says a familiar British accented voice from behind me.

I turn, a bit annoyed for having been distracted from the internal chaos the painting's just caused. And I'm surprised by the sight of the guy I met last time in the hospital. That time I must have been too much agitated for the news just received for not having noticed how hot the man is. However, a sort of angst soon takes place of the surprise at the remembrance of that cocky smirk still placed on his face.

- Are you stalking me? - I ask, getting a bit nervous when he gets closer to me.

- No, sweetheart. Don't worry. I've actually been invited here for a sort of congress – he explains, now staring at the picture – By the way – he adds turning his attention to my figure – I can make you sure that if I ever wanted to stalk you, I'd know how to do it. I can be _very_ subtle – finishes with another sex.., annoying smile, causing a breeze running through my spine.

- I just can imagine – I answer , trying to come back on the earth.

- However, you haven't told me yet if you like it or not.

At this sentence I turn back to the painting, and again, that sensation of hurt and solitude comes back.

- It has something, or well – I try to explain me better – it gives me something that, from a point of view, breaks my heart harmfully apart, and from an other one, it's like a source of... cold water in what I'd like to collapse.

As I see his wide eyes and unreadable expression (surprise? misunderstanding? mocks?) I go on clarifying with my cheeks getting redder and redder.

- When I look at it, I can't but feel a deep and anguished loneliness. Nevertheless, this feeling is so pure and true and human that I feel purified by this pain... Actually I don't know if what I've said has any meaning – I stop embarrassed.

Why the hell should have I just bubbled all those nonsenses to a stranger? Who's, in addition, even a bastard one ? Now he's gonna th...

- It's full of people – he interrupts my thoughts.

- Sorry?

- You said that it inspires solitude, but actually, there are lots of elements and human beings represented.

- Oh, yeah- I blab – I've not put any attention at the rest of it... they all seem nothing. You see, I was concentrated on that child, the one sat under the tree. All seems to turn around him, but nothing actually concerns him – I claim convinced, even more taken by the picture – A bit like my life now – I add in labile whisper that Klaus' vampire ears don't miss.

He craves to say something, anything... it's unusual for him to be in lack of words and this situation embarrasses and angers him at the same time. How dares this little human to say anything about him? How could she be so peculiar?

- Interesting observations – he finally says with a fake mocking tone, trying to hide the mess that her statements have just caused into him.

- You shouldn't have expected too much from a blond head – I say a bit too harshly than I intend.

It's quite mesmerizing how this little thing could pass from being embarrassed and touched to proudly raged in a sec. She must not be used to be seriously considered.

- I didn't mean that. On the contrary, I'm delighted by your opinions. I'd actually liked to hear some more of them.

- Are you asking me out? - I ask in disbelief.

- You're saying it as if I would have just asked you to come naked... not that I wouldn't appreciate the amazing view.

- Oh, please – I say, confused by all this situation – and then, _I wouldn't_ appreciate your presence. Seriously, I've just seen you twice and, true be told, you haven't had such a great impression on me. You've been a jerk both times.. - I add getting more and more agitated - and, I mean, I don't even know your name.

- My name's Klaus. Now, would you go out with me, love?

- What? NO. Have you actually heard what I've just said?

- Yeah, I've just listened to a loads of poor excuses and, _truth be told, _no one of them has concerned who I must consider your boyfriend, the dark haired guy. Am I wrong, Caroline?

- How do you know of Tyler? - and reflecting to his words – and who told you about my name? Oh my God, I was right, you're a stalker, aren't you?

- ... or it can happen that I'm just very perceptive of my surroundings. Let's say, your friends aren't the quietest companions – he affirms making an enjoyed face.

- Maybe, but at least they're not su judgmental, obnoxious and with such an ego that can barely fit this room.

- If I were you, I wouldn't go beyond – he claims, now seriously pissed.

- Or what? Would you slap me? Well, I could always add "violent" to the already long list of your poor qualities; in the end it wouldn't ruin my already low opinion of you - I don't get why all these angry words are leaving my mouth, yeah he's a jerk of colossal dimensions but... why am I being so harsh?

- Well, despite this amusing conversation – he states – now I...

- Yeah, yeah – I interrupt – you've got something to do and so on. But, you know what? So do I. Bye.

And so I leave making for my friends.

He stays a bit longer in front of the picture, wondering if she has looked at the plate hanged next to the painting.

_Niklaus Mikaelson, Portrait of a family_

_XxxxxxxxxxxX_

Just few days have passed since the school trip, nevertheless it's like those days belong to ages ago. Maybe it's just for all those visits and papers to sign that are filling my life, or maybe it's up to the pills. "The red one with light, the blue one for night" I've rhymed. How do they say, let's have a philosophical attitude? Well, I'm trying. I'm in this, I can't run away, there's no in or out, no escape, no other possibilities, no other choice. So, "no more clouds, just the silver lining", that will be my motto from now on, I think smiling while wandering through the kitchen with my cup of coffee, getting ready for the umpteenth visits and analysis. In a week or less I'll be beginning the chemo and they gotta see if my body is ready for that.

Tock, tock.

I hear someone's knocking at the door.

- Hi Ty – I greet a bit startled and even a bit worried when I see him. I've said no one of today visit. I know, they wanna help me and be supportive, but sometimes it's overbearing pretending to not see their expressions when doctors talk about pf the possible consequences of the therapy. I want to be strong and face it bravely, but it all seems so difficult when you see the fear that you wanna hide into the others.

- Hi Care – he answers cooly. He knows – Should you tell me something? - he asks remaining on the door step.

- Tyler, listen, I understand that you...

- I don't really get it. _You_'ve told us of all this to have some support. And then what? You sneak around to not talk of your visits.

- I ... - I startle. All those monologues I told myself suddenly seem not to work anymore, and I stay speechless in front of him, with a desperate expression that I hope will be more indicative than many words.

- Forget it – finishes he running away and leaving me at the door, alone, with my sense of guilt.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxX

- What a prick! - Bonnie exclaims, while she's trying on a pair of silver heels, when I tell her and Elena about this morning.

It's called rehabilitative shopping,or at least that's how we name it. When you feel down, fill your emptiness with as many clothes you can buy.

- Well, he was angry to have been put apart. He feels useless and would like to help you, like any of us. We should feel with him – adds Elena glancing in the glass how the red crimson dress is fitting her.

- Change it, too bitchy- I claim looking at the dress.

- It's prom, not a tea party - she replies.

- This Damon must really have an influence on you – says Bonnie coming out from the changing room with a sleeveless long blue dress. It has a plunging neckline and sticks at the body till the hips, from where it slides softly – What about this?

- Love it – I affirm giving another look at the exposed dresses. There are some cute ones, and a green one pretty nice, but nothing outstanding. This will probably be my last party and I want to be hot, beautiful, amazing. - About the fellow, when will you introduce him to us? Aren't you afraid of us, are you? - I jokes.

- Why should I Clare? In the end, when I started going out with Matt, you just came out with this long list of all the reasons why I shouldn't have dated him.

- I was thinking of the consequences for our group. I just wanted to be sure that once over, there wouldn't be embarrassing moments between us. It was understandable.

- Care, you even mentioned creepy genetic factors.

- Yeah, I know, genial. Don't need to remind me.

- Sure – Elena laughs – By the way, I wanna wait a bit before pushing him into all this. It's too early.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxX

- What the hell, we're nineteen ! - Bonnie exclaims breaking the dull conversation that has been on since we entered the Grill.

- Don't tell me, I'll probably be stuck in this age for ever – I reply taking another sip of my coke.

- Let's do something - she proposes - What would you like to do before... you know.

- Before I die? You can say the word "death" Bon, it won't come sooner just 'cause we name it- I kid trying to relieve the suddenly thick air - Anyway, I don't know. There are so many things that I can't even think properly... It's that I'm conscious there are many things I'll never be able to try, and I'd like to do everything but... - I sigh, sometimes words seem completely unable to do their job.

- Mmmm, I got it...Let's make a list - she shouts suddenly after having been silent for a while - Who knows why we haven't done this before. We will make a list of all the things you wanna do before of the "Great day" - she will never be able to match the word death to her friend - After all we'll have eight months above us to realize it - she concludes smiling victoriously to me.


	4. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone!**

**I hope you fancy, or not dislike, or at least not hate what I've written XD. Joking, well, more or less...Anyway, I'm open to your critics, both positive and negative,and comment so, if there's something you don't like, don't worry and let me know. **

**I beg your pardon for my English, I know that maybe there are some mistakes and reading the story can be a bit tedious. Sorry again!**

**For the record,after this chapter, something more dynamic should come. Or at least i hope.**

**What else to add... Have a good reading!**

Chapter three

-... in a day or maybe two, you should feel better. This has been the first time so, for few days, you'll be hospitalised here, but next times... - Dr Salvatore's voice comes back being just a far ununderstandable eco. Those few words are the only things that I've kept.

Two days... I don't know if I'll be able to resist so much. I've frightened this day all last week. I feel a wreck. Even thinking seems an unbearable work. I can perceive every cell of my body hurts. I'm afraid to even open my mouth 'cause I threaten the pain at the angles of the lips. My stomach is revolting. Ugh, it's like all this injected medicine has come into my stomach, burning and igniting through my veins, itching every member of flesh, and now, wanting to escape from my mouth. I wanna vomit. I wanna get rid of this disgusting and nauseating weight that's in my tummy. I can't stand having my eyes open, light's too much strong. Even air's too thick. And it smells. A smell of eggs and medicine and hospital and rubbish and... I can't keep holding on. I feel tears running through my face. I would take them off but raising my arm is a too hard task for me now. I'm not able to detect the temperature. It just seems to be wrong. Don't know if hot or cold, just wrong. I don't even know why. It's just all so wrong. Now, I only want to escape from my burning skin, to get free of this inability to stand even the air I breath. All of a sudden death doesn't look so terrifying and scaring...

xxxxxxxxxx

- Shhh - says a familiar voice - She's still sleeping.

I can hardly match the voice with a face, but... my mum. Oh, yes. It must belong to my mum.

I slowly open my eyes, wanting to take confidence with the world outside.

- I'll pass later - says a guy. This time it occurs less time to me to recognize it.

- Tyler – I slightly whisper, coughing a little. It must have been a while since last time I've drunk some liquids.

- I'm gonna call the doctor - says my mother leaving the two of us alone.

- Care, ehi - says he smiling. He must be embarrassed; obviously he doesn't know what to do, how to behave... well, not obviously. This should be easy, or at least it was... before all this crap.

- Why ... - I try saying - are you... - my voice fatigues passing through my chopped lips -.. here?

Despite being barely whispered these words come out more harshly that I meant, or that I wanted him to hear.

- Are you ok? Do you need some water? - he asks concerned and, who knows, maybe a bit relieved to have finally something to do, I think evilly.

- No, thanks - I won't give him this relief. _I_ am the one who's just been filled with some unknown medicine with a freaking name. _I _have felt like trash for... I don't even know how much time I've spent into this bed. A day, two, or a week. How does he dare to behave like this?

- Are you sure? You look a bit...

- Pale? Tired? Ill? - I sarcastically complete his sentence – I wonder why.

His initial smile falls down. He's worried to have said something wrong, inappropriate. In another occasion he neither would have noticed, or if he would, then he would have just excused himself to not listen to my bubbling. However, why should I blame him for all this?

- You know, actually I'd really like some water, but I'm not sure I can take it.

- I go ask a nurse.

- Ok, I wait here - as if I had any other possibility...

Well, I could get to the window. I seem to have recovered, although I'm not sure. In any case it will be enough. It's just few steps... I could do it. I wonder how's the sky. From the light who passes through the curtain, it must be sunny.

Extremely slowly I remove the blankets from my leg with my full-of-tubed-and-BaidAid hand. Then I raise my head. Ugh, it falls down to the pillow. It's not so easy, after all. I haven't eaten from the chemo, I realize now a bit more clearly. I don't care. I wanna move the curtains.

"I can do it" . I inspire. "I can do it" . I expire. "I can do it". I raise my head again and helping me with the hands I find the balance. Then, always slowly, I move my leg across the bed. My foot fall on the floor. It's cold. Barefoot, being careful to push even the I.V. together with my body that...- Ah – I've just fallen on my knees next to the desk near the window. Leaning on the chair I get up. Trembling I finally reach the window. I open it. Yeah, there's a lot of light. It must be midday. However, I don't care anymore.

Xxxxx

The ripper has just sent him a text saying to go there. Stefan would have prefered a night meeting, but unfortunately he was busy. Anyway Klaus doesn't care for these details. He just wants his blood bags. Bekah in those latter days had been literary out of her mind. She still must get accustomed to her new diet. By the way she looks happy, now she's savouring a bit of that common daily boring human routing she's always aimed to.

Those were the thoughts in Klaus' mind while wondering for the hospital. And there he sees her. She's trying to get up from the bed. She looks sick and pale. However all that just gives her a sort of dramatic and dreamlike atmosphere. She's failed, she must be weak. "Why is she here?" he asks to himself. It's not his business he claims shaking hid head. Ah! She's just fallen on her knees. He gulps down. The desire to get inside to help her is strong. At worst he'll be rejected. Anyway she's done. She doesn't wait for knights. Not at all a damsel in distress, he smiles thinking of their first meeting. Something must have happened to her. Now she looks down and a wave of sadness covers her curious and lively eyes.

- Dr Salvatore is free. Come in - does that old and incompetent secretary with a saccharin voice that unnerves him.

Reluctantly he leaves behind that Romantic sight worthy of a Hayez' painting.

xxxxxx

- What the hell are you doing? - screams Tyler at the sight of Caroline standing next to the window - Are you out of your mind? Doctor said you must be in bed, you still have to recover.

- Yeah, sorry. I just...- but what's the point in telling something he wouldn't get – Sorry Tyler.

He helps me coming back to the bed, probably I would never have been able to come back alone, probably I will never be anymore...

xxxxx

- Take what you want and go out - says soon Stefan, as the Original comes in, throwing a bag to him.

- I've put the blood inside, so no one will make any question.

- I don't think here there's someone awake enough to suspect something. I didn't know you were a psychiatrist – he says pretending indifference to probe.

- That's gross and touchless, like you, anyway. For the record, this is the oncology division.

- Anyone on his floor belongs to this section? - he keeps asking to get something about her reason to be there.

- Yes, that's what I've just said. As you can see, nature has created something so horrific and harmful that could just be compared to you. Now, keep everything and go.

Out of the studio, unable to resist the curiosity, he takes another look at her room. She's sleeping. She's alone. He can hear her breath. It's low, weary, a bit tormented. Maybe she's having a nightmare.

- Would you buy a rose, Sir? - does a poor man interrupting his vision.

Outside he would have snapped his neck without a second thought. Then he looks at the basket full of white roses.

Xxxx

_That's the school gym. How did I get here? Today there shouldn't be any cheerleader practicing, the schedule said. But again, what was her schedule? She had forgotten, she can't even remember what day it is. Ugh, this medicine must be stronger than I think. I gotta tell Dr Salvatore next time. _

_- Ehi Care. What are you doing here?_

_- Bonnie, it's you. God! I can't remember why I come here. I just hope all this crap will finish soon – I explain relieved by her presence. A familiar face always helps._

_- You're right Care, it should. So, why don't you put an end to it? - does she with a too much serious face that causes a breeze through my spine._

_- What do you mean?- fuck, the situation is getting odder and odder. What the hell is going on?_

_- Think, you could just avoid so much pain to you._

_- And to us - adds Elena who's suddenly appeared behind me. _

_I turn to her._

_- What the the fuck are you saying?- I whisper trying to avoid thinking at the suggestion that I've already gotten._

_- Don't play fool. You know what we mean. There are just few months. What could change? Do you think that you'll get better? No, it won't happen. You'll just be weaker and weaker and weaker – keeps on Elena with an empty smile._

_- And in the meanwhile we'll have to stay there, next to you, mourning for your health._

_I turn back. Now it's the turn of Tyler, who's come next to Bonnie._

_- Why are you saying that? - the anger I've felt at the beginning is starting to be replaced with a frightening sorrow. I sigh._

_- Cause I'm tired of all this. Do you think it's enjoying when your girlfriend is gonna die and treats you like hell?_

_- I'm sorry, I know, I've been a bitch,but it's a difficult period and..._

_- You know, that's difficult even for me, Care. So, do us a favor. Give this pain an end. Do it._

_- I don't know what you're talking about and now get apart, I wanna go - but as I do for getting out of this creepy and uncomfortable situation he grabs my arm._

_- Stop lying sweetie, don't tell me you've never thought of this solution. Few pills, then close your eyes and the play is done. No more suffering, no more doctors, no more chemo_

_- Shut up!_

_- No more hospitals – adds Bonnie_

_- Shut up!_

_- No more nausea – keeps on Elena_

_- SHUT UP !_

- SHOUT UP !- I shout huskily covering my eyes. I'm still in the hospital. I touch my forehead. It's covered with sweat.

"It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare" I say to myself in the desperate attempt to calm me down. I glance around. I'm alone. Oh, yeah, now I remember mum saying something about grabbing some clothes for me to come back home.

I turn to my left to take a napkin to get refreshed. There I notice a bunch of white roses.

They're beautiful. All white and pure and delicate. Their petals look so sooth, like silk, that makes me wanna touch them. It's surprising how just the sight of beauty can ease our pain. Maybe cause it's the remainder that there's still something good in the world to fight for. Who has taken them here? I must ask mum later. Now I'm too tired to think of anything.

I fall my head back to the pillow to come back sleeping now with the nice and comforting sight of the white roses in my mind.

Xxx

Like a hamster, I'm getting used to my wheel. Always the same said things. Always the same pitiful sights. Always the same steps. Visit. Check. Chemo. Visit. Check. Chemo. Visit. Check. Chemo. Today the wheel is stopped at visit. Again. It seems that Dr Salvatore or Stefan, as he insists to be called, wants to have a chat with me. When he called me yesterday to get advised, I was a bit scared at the beginning : replaying the scene of our first meeting is not the case. I don't have any intention to cry like a baby again. By the way, more and more I've felt the will to talk with someone outside of my "crew". I love Bonnie and Elena, and of course even Tyler and Matt, but sometimes it's like they don't really get it, and I'm tired to pretend that it's ok for me. Just for once I'd like to talk with one who, even if remotely, understands this confusion struggling in my mind.

I've just entered the hospital. How is it possible that it's always full of people? Seriously, we're in Mystic Falls, probably even Sherlock Holmes has more friends than its inhabitants. How can it always be so overcrowded? Leaving this question for another time, I make for Stefan' studio, when I bump into a corridor whose walls are all covered with mirrors. No funds for sanitary and then that? Bah. Starting to wondering,I stand for a moment in front of one of these, staring at my reflection. There was a time when I loved doing this. I could spend ages looking at myself, admiring how a dress fitted or adjusting and moving my hair up and down to find the better place. Now, instead, I can just see a pale face with dark bags under my eyes that makes me look really tired. Then there are my eyebrows, or maybe it's up to the eyelids... I don't know but there's something in my eyes that I don't recognize. I touch the glass in the useless attempt to catch that something. At the sensation of the cold surface the angle of my mouth turns down. I gulped. Now I really need this chat.

I leave my hand and I restart walking when

- Ehi, be careful - I shout to someone who's just come into me making me lose my balance.

- Actually I think it's all up to you sweetheart. - chuckles Klaus encircling her waist with his arm to help her – You should be more careful at where you walk, Caroline.

No, please, no really. It can't be him. And raising my head I finally stare at my icing on the cake for this day.

- Hi Klaus – I greet pretending spite. Wait, why "pretending"? Fuck. Staring at him I find myself unable to think properly. Loads of thoughts are rushing in my mind and I can't find a reasonable explanation to that. It must be his cologne or the closeness to his firm chest or the sparkle behind his eyes or the feeling of his breath on my lips or the comforting warmth of his hand on my back...what? - Could you please leave your arm from my body? I'm getting sick just at the thought of it.

- Indeed, darling, you don't have a very good look – affirms he leaving slowly his arm from her back, being careful to memorize the feeling and the shape of every curve.

- That must be the sight of your presence. Don't worry, I'll recover as soon as I'll shut down this conversation.

Said so, I ran away from him, ready to recollect my thoughts and having a grip to my hormones.

- Have you eaten this morning? - he asks concerned following her. Known her condition, he can easier see all the symptoms of the disease on her body. However, irony wants that this struggle between her weak body and her fighting spirit makes her look more attractive. At the museum he had caught some sadness in her features and statements, but even strength and pride. Who knows if his blood could heal her? He could just imagine how even more stunning she could be out of this situation. He should talk about this with the ripper.

- Not your business.

- Well, if you step again on my Italian handmade shoes because of your poor state, you see that it becomes a problem of mine.

- Poor state? Seriously? You know what? To avoid that weak people in a poor state jumps in you again, you should avoid hospitals, or even better, you should avoid _me_. God knows what could happen to your leather jacket if I would feel in need to vomit and that, just for the record, is a feeling really recurrent every time I see you.

- I hoped the roses I sent you could help for a truce.

- What? - I have not asked anymore about the flowers, although I thought that maybe it had been from my father or Tyler.

I'm gobsmacked by this news. I don't know if it's because that means that my father has totally forgotten to have a daughter or for the fact that Klaus must know by now that I've got cancer.

- The white roses? Do you like them? People always go for the red ones; on my opinion the whites are more apt to the change of human condition.

- Daisies- it blurs out of my mouth unexpectedly – I reckon that daisies actually represents our condition. They're humble and simple and weak on their own, but when you put hundreds or thousands of them together, they're stunning.

- As I finish I feel his eyes on me. They're confused and curious. I'd like to know what he's thinking.

- Caroline, I was waiting for you. I was starting believing you wouldn't have come anymore – greets Dr Salvatore from the door of his studio. I didn't realized I've got here.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I must be late.

- Don't worry – Stefan goes on while, with an air between worried and surprised, he looks first at Klaus and then at me – Do you know each other?

- I've had the honour to meet Ms Forbes time ago – Klaus affirms with a smile – now, if you let me, I really must go.

Once the door's closed, we sit. The previous weird atmosphere starting to thin.

- How did you meet him? - he soon questions a little nervous.

- Uhm, in the hospital; you know, the first time I came.

- Yeah, I get it – he nods looking intensely at my neck how if he's looking for something – Have you recently had lacks of memory or you've found yourself in a place but you can't remember how you get there?

- Ugh, no. Why? Will the chemo affect my memory too? - I ask worried.

- No, no, don't worry. I'm just checking. Sorry, sometimes I'm too much meticulous - he laughs and sitting next to me he adds – so, how do you do?

" What the hell of a question is that?" I think . I must have expressed this thought with my face cause he soon says

- Ok, maybe not the most suitable question. However, I mean, how do you feel? I mean even at school, with your friends, if you're having any problems... apart from the obvious ones.

- Don't worry, it' ok, I get your point. Well, how can I say, mmm, it's going... I mean, I'm going on – then, sensing his skeptical expression I add – Ok, there are some problems with my friends; well, actually, the fault is mine. In addition, there's all this time factor that takes over me. Lately it's like I were in a clock and every night, in my bed, I could feel the sound of the hour-hand moving and getting closer and closer to my death hour. My time is running out and I'd like to be faster, to win it, but it's as if I'm trapped and I've got billions things I wanna do, but I can't .

- Caroline, let someone a bit wiser and older tell you something.

- Ehi, you don't look so old.

As if I just said a joke that I didn't get, he smiles pleased.

- I'll take it as a compliment. Anyway,what I want you to understand is that most of the times, time is overvalued. Sometimes you find more significant a true emotion which lasts few weeks, or maybe few days, than an entire existence.

- How do I find this "emotion"?

- It's not a case of finding, but of letting it found us.

- I see – I nod at him not having actually got the all point. In any case, I've appreciated his try.

I look at the clock hung up on the wall behind where he's sat.12:30. Half an hour ago I had an appointment with the others. If Klaus wouldn't have wasted my time.

- Do you gotta go?

As always his empathy and kindness have saved me.

- You know, my friends.

- You don't have to excuse yourself – he smiles softly to me patting on my shoulder - Just, before you leave, I'd like you to promise me that from now on you'll take some vervain every morning together with the pills.

- Oh, ok. No problem. What's that for?

- Let's say, for prevent from more dangerous scenarios.

- Whao! Worse than what I'm getting through? I dare you – I joke leaving the studio.

- Oh, Caroline. I truly hope you'll never find out – wishpers Stefan on his own behind is desk.


End file.
